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die Lindenbilder

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Friends! [Jan. 1st, 2025|01:08 pm]
die Lindenbilder
Hey everyone. Most of my posts are open for anyone to read. The ones that are Friends-Only are just for that...Friends. Please don't be offended if you add me and I don't add you back. I only really add people that I either a) know in person or b) have talked to online for a long time.

Thank you for understanding!

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New Job [Jun. 24th, 2015|01:57 pm]
die Lindenbilder
I'm now in Week Two of the new job. Feels so strange to say that, as part of me feels like I've been here for an hour. The other part of me feels like I've been here for a decade. I really like ALL of my co-workers thus far, but WOW - the environment couldn't be more different.

There were things I got used to at City Paper. There was the hustle of EXTREME deadlines. There was the constant talking, whether it was bouncing ideas off of each other, or just chatting. There was negativity. It's so different here.

Yes, there are things that need to be done now, but a lot of that depends on clients getting stuff to us first. (Once a request comes in, it's mere minutes before scheduling, invoicing, and booking goes into place.) As far as the talking, it's usually fairly quiet in the office. There's ALWAYS music playing, so I don't mean that. Moreso that the employees just don't seem to talk to each other. Granted (and this is hard to say), I'm the 2nd oldest person in the whole company, so there are a lot of 20-somethings that know how to bury their faces in their phones really well, but fail at talking to other humans. Still. As far as the negativity, there's very little of that here so far. There's only talk of growth and "the next big thing" and how much grander we're all going to be as a company. Very different from talks of "We're on a sinking ship, and that ship is called 'print media'".

My training has been....slow. Very slow. In their defense, the only two people who can train me are the founders, and they're both EXTREMELY busy. Each time they've trained me on something, I've immediately picked it up and taken it over quickly. It's funny - they originally thought my "on-boarding/training" process would last 4 weeks. Now they're thinking 2. ha  That worries me just a bit. I finish everything SO QUICKLY that I'm already doing a bunch of what my final job will be, and I'm still sitting around for a lot of the day, waiting for more training. In the meantime, I've been studying the company's social media processes, reading up on how to make certain sections of our site better, etc. I just want to feel like I'm EARNING the money they're paying me.

I also need to be WAY busier. I'm sure that will come.
Do I regret leaving my other job? Not for a hot second.
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Beautiful Weekend [Feb. 16th, 2015|03:13 pm]
die Lindenbilder
The weather in Baltimore this weekend was painfully unbearable. The high both days was in the low teens, with windchills that dipped into -15° territory. It was the kind of wind that made it painful to have your face exposed. Because of that, I spent a lot of the weekend bundled up under blankets.

Still, in SPITE of the weather, I did this weekend what I sought out to do. Maybe it's selfish (hell, it probably is), but I had a "beauty weekend", if you will. All of it amounted to not an obscene amount of money to make me feel a bit more fantastic, since this winter has been hard on me. I had my eyebrows done, my nails put back on, my (ahem) lip waxed, my hair cut, and I treated myself to a massage. It felt good to spoil myself, and reminded me that from here on out, I want to commit myself to getting a massage at least a few times per year. It was a little bit of money, sure, but 100% worth it.

In my Wicca news...
I've still been reading up a lot on the religion and seeing what parts of it do and do not stick with me. There are a few parts I "struggle" with (and I'm using the word struggle very lightly), but otherwise, so much of it clicks with me. I've slowly been gathering tools that speak to me for my altar. Oh, remember how I said that I wasn't really sure how Timm felt about the whole thing? Well, I got my answer the other day.

We were sitting on the couch when he sort of bashfully said, "Umm, so I got you something, but if you don't like it, it's no big deal."  He then handed me a handmade, wrought-iron knife and said, "I think this would be really good for your rituals. It's handmade, and it's made of a natural material, so you could use this for cutting herbs and everything." It sounds silly, but I was SO touched by it. It was a moment where I realized that after almost 14 years of being together, he still "gets" me. It was a really sweet offer.

This weekend was supposed to be the weekend I was going to go to NYC. Instead, I'm still taking this Friday off, but going to have lunch with my mom instead. On Saturday, I'm going to see Bianca del Rio - the winner last season of RuPaul's Drag Race. Should be fantastic!

Is it Spring yet?  ;)
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The Straw [Feb. 12th, 2015|02:27 pm]
die Lindenbilder

Yesterday was one hell of a day.

I woke up feeling very off and a bit down in the dumps. It wasn't for any particular reason either. This threw me off because since I've been trying to take better care of myself through exercise, meditation, reading, etc., my mood has definitely been lifted up a bit. I decided that the best way to counteract the shite mood I was in was to do something nice for others, so on my way into the office, I picked up a dozen fresh bagels, and an assortment of spreads.

Once I got into the office, I sent out an email letting everyone know I was treating them today, and enjoy, etc. I was feeling pretty good. That is until I saw the droves of employees going into the kitchen, and then walking by my desk, shoving bagels in their face and not even glancing my way. No, I did not buy them to get some sort of "Linda Is Awesome" party, but I guess I was a bit flabbergasted that not a single person even said 'thank you'. It's pretty widely known that I'm one of the lowest paid employees here, yet I'm the only one who ever does stuff like that - buying food/treats for the staff out of my own wallet. Maybe I'm tooting my own horn too much. Maybe not. However, not even getting a 'thank you' put my mood right back to where it was when I woke up.

The workday kind of went to shit from there. It was one of those days where I couldn't start a project without "Linda! I need this!", or "Linda, stop that and start this". Just really got to me for some reason. At EXACTLY 5pm, I bolted out of the door, and headed to the gym.

I hadn't been on a treadmill in a few weeks, so I had to stop after only 25 minutes on it. Still, I felt better. Some of the stress melted away. I picked up sandwiches for Timm and I and went home.

I had barely unwrapped my sandwich when I got a notification from a girlfriend. Remember how I mentioned that I was beyond excited to see John Cameron Mitchell (the very first Hedwig) reprise his role in "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" on Broadway? Well, our show was next week. WAS. He hurt his foot, and I found out they were bringing in an understudy just on the week I was set to see him. This was literally the straw that broke the camel's back. I was hysterically sobbing. Not just for the show's loss. Not just for my possible financial loss (because that ticket is the single most expensive entertainment ticket I've ever purchased). I was sobbing because I'd had enough of yesterday.

Once I controlled myself, I realized that I was lame for letting all of those things add up to put me in that state. With a vengence, I called Telecharge, had my ticket refunded, and had a new ticket issued to me for a different performance. I'm losing money on the bus tickets, but I'm chalking that up at a loss. On a GREAT note, I was able to get a ticket for the very weekend I'm going to be in NYC anyway for IMATS! So no extra hotels or bus tickets have to be ordered. Plus, the weather in NYC will be far more pleasant in April than it would have been next week in late February. (Weather forecast is currently 19-degrees with wind. Oof.)

Sorry for all of the rambling. Truthfully, I am doing far better than I was. I've noticed that my anxiety level has dropped DRAMATICALLY, and I just feel a bit more...I don't know. Maybe "enlightened" is the word? I'm determined to try a bunch of different exercise formats - yoga, barre, etc. - and see what sticks. There's a pole with my name on it at Xpose tonight, and I'm already looking forward to that.

Forgive the mental mind-dump. ;)

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Is it Spring yet? [Jan. 26th, 2015|03:50 pm]
die Lindenbilder
We're barely brushing the edges of the Winter season, and all I can focus on is looking forward to Spring. Bring on the longer days, the sunshine, the ability to wear a light hoodie, rather than a wool jacket + scarf + gloves + hat.

Figured I'd throw a little update on here. I still read everyone's posts consistently (well, the few who continue to post, anyway), but yet I so rarely update myself. Bullet points/lists might be best here...


• I have always thrived on having events and vacations (even mini-outings) to look forward to. It's what keeps me going. So far this year, I already have three trips planned for sure.

In February, I'm going to NYC to see "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" (yes, again, but this time, starring John Cameron Mitchell - the man who created the role). I splurged (along with a friend) and we're sitting in the third row back. I already can't even focus, I'm that excited about it. We're also planning on going to Jekyll + Hyde's - a very touristy restaurant that I've been to before, but it's a fun place.

In April, I'm going back to NYC for the makeup con I attend each year (IMATS). I have someone go with, so that makes me happy. I was pretty convinced I'd have to go on my own.

In August, I'm flying out to Portland, OR for my gal's wedding. Should be a nice escape for a few days! I'm also looking into visiting a friend in Florida in March....and y'all know me. Of course I'm thinking about a Disney trip again this year. ;)

• On another good, albeit weird-to-some note...
I don't know what the exact cause of it was, but after thinking about it, I decided that I wanted to read more into something I was VERY into learning about in high school, and that's Wicca. It has just always been very beautiful to me. Now in my adulthood, there was something very appealing about the idea of performing rituals that would let you throw an idea or desire out into the ether and sort of let your mind wander away from it at that point. Also, I have a feeling that having something like this might help my anxiety a bit, as much of it seems to be about visualizing your health and well-being, and making it so.

I met up with a good friend who has been practicing for years, and she gave me a stack of books to keep. I only just finished the first (and most comprehensive) book, and I'm already a bit hooked. I've been VERY hesitant to talk about it, save for one or two people, because while I genuinely don't care what others think, I also don't particularly need to get any flack from people about it, as I'm a woman in her mid-30s exploring this. At the very least, I love reading about this and it has kept me super interested.


• My anxiety has not been so much fun lately. It is in no way debilitating, but it's there, mostly at night time. Maybe once every few weeks, I'll have a night where my brain is just RunningRunningRunning, and I don't know why.

I'm still 100% determined to TRY to help this on my own - without the use of a psychiatrist or meds - as much as I can. I cut out caffeine completely this past summer. I'm going to a meditation class this week to try to learn that. I'm going to try yoga, and hope to get back into my serious exercise routine. I really want to beat this and find healthy expressions for this.
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Times [Aug. 12th, 2014|08:54 am]
die Lindenbilder
Times like these, I REALLY miss what LJ used to be. I could talk about my happy times, and people would be happy for me. More importantly, I could vent when I was upset, and there would be a shoulder to lean on, advice would be given, and people would just BE THERE.

With Facebook, it's just so different. I post a picture of Timm in a monkey suit: 88 likes. I talk about conditioning my hair: 21 likes. I talk about being very upset that I wasn't offered a speaking role in the play I auditioned for...and people run away or accuse me of being negative. I just don't get it. I don't.

I can't lie - the past few weeks have been ROUGH. After months of emailing back and forth with my dream tattoo artist in NYC, I finally was given a chance to set up an appointment, with one month's notice. Since I had to decide FAST, I felt rushed and agonized over whether or not to set it up. I had to decide NOW. I put down a deposit, and my date is Sept. 6th. Since I've put down the deposit, I've been in a whirlwind of anxiety. Those of you who've known me for years might remember what happened when I got the outline on my arm. I was in a downward spiral for a long time, thinking "Oh god, what have I done?" Over the years, I've come to LOVE the tattoo, and always talked about getting it colored in. So why now that I have an appointment am I freaking out? I'm talking freaking out to the point of "I might cancel my appointment and forfeit my chance of getting tattooed by this artist". I'm giving myself til tomorrow to decide.

The hard part of it all is that (understandably, I guess) Timm has NO CLUE what to do with me right now. If I'm upset, anxious, torn...he just sits there. I don't know what I expect him to do. Maybe I want him to hold me. To tell me everything will be ok. I don't know. I just want SOMETHING. Anything.

I know this is a down point and that tomorrow will be a better day. Right now, though, I'm just IN IT. In a bad way.
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And more... [Aug. 11th, 2014|03:07 pm]
die Lindenbilder

On Saturday, I went to my first theatre audition in YEARS. After doing an obscene amount of online research, I agonized over what to wear, and finally decided on a flattering tank top, circle miniskirt, and character shoes. I waffled back and forth with "Do I cover up my tattoos or not?" Finally decided on "not" so as to not deceive them.

When I arrived, it was obvious that NO ONE cares what people wear. haha  There were only two other people auditioning (that day, at least. There were three days of audtions.) - one was in ripped jeans, dirty sneakers, and hadn't brushed his hair. The other was in ballet flats, a t-shirt, and yoga pants. I felt over-dressed, but maybe that's a good thing.

I was shaking like a leaf as they called me in. Started with singing scales (which I haven't done since high school), and then went into my audition song. They had me sing it twice - the second time, with specific direction - and I think I did well. They gave me a reading, and again, think I did pretty well. Then, they asked me to climax.

Oh, did I mention the show I was auditioning for was The Rocky Horror Show? Yes. They were trying to weed out the people who'd be scared by such a show. To do that, the last part of the audition involved being handed this book and being told, "Read this very provocatively. At some point in the book, climax. Go." It was funny as hell, dude.

Following that, all three auditioners (auditionees?) were brought into the room to learn a 32-count dance routine. I think I crushed that part. I'll know by Wednesday if I got a part, so wish me luck!

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Busy summer [Aug. 8th, 2014|02:04 pm]
die Lindenbilder
This past weekend, I had my first "girls weekend" in years. I took the bus up to NYC where I met up with Michelle, Charlotte, and MJ (who I had never met before this). It's interesting to me - someone who doesn't have a ton of "girlfriends" - that we all got along so well the whole weekend. It's something to say that you can spend three days with people and not get tired of them. ;)

The day I arrived, we trekked around Manhattan. Ray's Pizza, Trash & Vaudeville, Ricky's NYC - we just kept running. After some questionable "Mexican sushi" (don't ask), we went over to Big Gay Ice Cream. HOLY SHIT, you guys, this place was amazing. Soft serve + dulce de leche + salt + CRUSHED PRETZELS?! Yes.

Sunday, we relaxed quite a bit before meeting up with Charlotte's husband at a BBQ in Manhattan. I inhaled every carb on the menu...and then it was time for Hedwig. Sitting in the second row, I was close enough to see Neil Patrick Harris' pores. My face hurt from smiling. My eyes hurt from weeping. I usually hate this word, but I actually felt blessed that I had the opportunity to see him TWICE in that role. Okay, maybe "lucky" is a better word.

Monday was another lazy day for the most part. I missed my bus home and wound up getting home a bit late, but I didn't care once I was on the bus. I was high off the weekend.

Tomorrow, I'm doing something I haven't done in 15 years - I'm auditioning for a musical. I'm nervous and worried, but determined to do it. I've prepped about as much as I can, so at this point, it's just DOING IT. The worst that can happen is that they say "fuck no", right? ;)
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Oh hai. [Jul. 8th, 2014|07:09 pm]
die Lindenbilder
Funny - I still religiously read LJ, comment when I can, and never want mine to die, yet I almost never post in here.

Summer has been ridiculously busy so far, which I love, but hate.

This winter was REALLY hard on me, emotionally. I stopped going to the gym, stopped eating healthy, rarely went out. My seasonal depression came back with a vengeance. You guys, it was BAD. The second the weather broke, I started back up at the gym again (and have been religiously going 3+ times per week), I've been going out, I've been feeling better. As it stands, I have plans every weekend between now and mid-August, and it's fantastic. There's plans for beach trips, girls' weekends, and Neil Patrick Harris (again). All good things.

Ok, "hate" is a really strong word. I dislike the fact that because I've been so busy, there are things that have slipped by the wayside. I REALLY had motivation to keep my blog going (and still do), but it's hard. I have janky setups both for shooting photos (cardboard box + t-shirt fabric + lights that I clip on to my chair) and for shooting videos (lighting that isn't bright enough + no place to shoot videos), so every time I do either, it's VERY labor-intensive. I just wish that I had a space all of my own to set everything up with a proper space and proper backdrop where it wouldn't be in anyone's way. It would be far easier to motivate myself for everything if I could just walk up to a space and start photographing/shooting without an hour of setup each time. It's hard, but I miss it. A lot.

Really, I'm complaining about nothing. Things really are great right now - I only wish I could find a solution for the photography stuff. Ah well. This week, we have a trip planned to Atlantic City (Timm's birthday gift) with a birthday party for a friend this weekend. A friend is having a bacon-themed party next weekend, and then the weekend after that, we're back in NJ for beach time and a visit with Lindsay. After that is epic girl weekend with Michelle, Charlotte, and MJ and HEDWIG AGAIN OMG.
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Party Time! ....excellent? [Dec. 9th, 2013|11:49 am]
die Lindenbilder
Saturday was our annual Fondue Party. We almost considered not having it this year due to the time, energy, and money it takes to put it on, but I was touched when people said they'd miss the party, so we had it.

It was a bit more low-key this year in that I had so much stuff handled well in advance that I wasn't rushing around at the last minute. Hell, I even had time for a nap prior to the party which NEVER happens. Once the party came, though, I couldn't shake some of my feelings of anxiety, and I don't know how "normal" people do it!

When you're throwing a party, how do you deal with having so many different groups of friends in one place? I CONSTANTLY felt like I was ignoring people (not intentionally, of course!), and being a bad hostess. I'd be finally relaxing, in the midst of a great conversation with someone, and then out of the corner of my eye, I'd see someone (or a couple) sitting alone, not talking to anyone. Staring off into space. Looking bored. I'd immediately jump into hostess mode & try to bounce over to them to chat, to offer them a drink, whatever. I never felt like I got to truly enjoy the party at all...I haven't felt like I've gotten to enjoy the party for a few years now. I feel like I'm so focused on making sure everyone ELSE is having fun, and not having enough fun myself. I always feel guilty after the party that I should have talked to certain people more. This year, I can think of a handful of people I barely said more than "Hello" to, and I feel like shit for that.

I know that you're not expected to be a dancing monkey for partygoers, and that they have some of the responsibility of entertaining themselves...but where is that balance?
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